Have a good one while I’m off
I am isolated from the word
It seems as distant as the lover I know only flashes off
My mind is a tangled web of requirement
I teach others knowledge but save but scraps for myself
My heart beats in this now empty room
Echoing into the darkness
Bouncing off walls and back into my head
As a distant whisper of the poet I once was
Is it wrong I crave the times with no obligation?
The times that would have killed me?
To live on the edge of a knife was torture at the time
But there is liberation in the despair
The knowledge that surviving is your only concern
That nothing is of any care nor thought
There is life
Or there is death
It screams a ever present clarity in it’s singular depressive nature
I miss that
As I miss all the ghosts of memories once lived who haunt me in my time
But now I must live
And find words only from time to time
It feels weird that this is now my every day. Planning lessons, teaching, talking to kids, marking, get up at 6 go home at 6.
I’m a lot of things, scared, nervous, excited and very very numb at the same time. It’s one of those things that you just have to get on with, no time to fuck about because the students are waiting outside. I won’t say I’m not fucking terrified at times, or that I know it’s going to go perfect because it never does.
But one way or another this is my dream and I’m living it. It’ll sink in eventually but, I am a Religious Education Teacher and it’s taken me 8 years to finally say that.
You surprise me
I found out this conclusion
Hidden at the bottom of this wine bottle
Of all of them
Are the one that got away
— Henry Rollins on Depression
Needless to say I’ve had a great birthday, am now 23, have a place to live next year and I’m starting to wrap my head around being an actual teacher. Something I’ve been building towards for 8 years!
So until the dust settles stay groovy.
Few photos of me this summer. Me and Ellie on my early b-day party, me drunk on my early b-day party, me hungover on a boat the next day, pic nic at devil’s dyke near Brighton, and a spoken word gig I did a couple of weeks ago.
I’m 23 tomorrow…I don’t wanna grow up!!!!
I went to a craft store once, it was awful!!!!!
With My loves Mt Dew and Grumpy Cat!
I may be in love. This is troublesome :p
I wear suits from time to time
This much needed beer is numbing the night
Blunting the blade stuck in my cerebellum
I was cleaning out old boxes earlier
Binning my old hoarding habit
What once seemed so valuable
Is now kindling for the fire
I burn memories to keep me warm
To give this new form the strength of immunity
Amists this therapeutic practice
I stumbled on a photo of her
It hit me
But not in the way it used to
I was hit with the reaction that I should have a reaction
But like a prod to a healed scar
It failed to draw blood
I remembered how I would of reacted
Then carried on with who I am now
The distance has pushed me into starvation
Every passing minute increases the pump of blood in these veins
From the heart to all and a certain extremity
The thoughts of your silhouetted form against the street light outside increasing each beat and pump
You’re almost uncaring and infinitely comfortable lack of clothes bring a smile to my face
Enough to barely keep my hunger at bay until I see you once more
Until I can quench that hunger
Claim it for my own
Bury my face in your form and taste the sweet sweat of passionate reunions
I mean to make a believer of you when I return
To hear your voice call to any heavens that are present at the time
And in a moment
We will blur into a blissful ignorance to the world outside
And my heart
Will once more be